We call them “farms” in Australia, but over here they are called “Wellness Centers”! The Appesbach is one such place. But the raison d’être for them all, whether Austrian or Australian is exactly the same!

Their pitch is identical! Glossy brochures detail all sorts of treatments involving alternating steam, heat and cold plunges, massages with exotic oils and the strategic placing of some unusual looking black porous stones, in a line up and down the spine, that have the appearance of fossilized dinosaur dung.

All brochures depict smooth skinned, coyly naked women, aged somewhere between spent youth and late thirties. They are invariably lying supine on a bed with white linen and white orchids. A hint of buttock with seductive sweat drop or two and a subtle mattress pressing of one bosom.

There is never ever depiction of men. I ask you, what is wrong with a masculine hint of buttock and a pressing of phallus?

At this establishment they have things down to a fine art! Sauna, massage, aromatherapy, infra-red radiation boxes, all finished off with “high tea”! It’s reverse psychology! You have worked, sweated and pumped so hard, you deserve a baked cheese cake and a slice of Black Forest cake!

I are in tonight and ignored my self consciousness! Here are the three courses!

Roasted carrot-ginger foam soup with fried scallops!

The saddle of wild boar, stuffed with dried fruits, truffled spinach, potato strudel and black beer sauce!

Soufflé of white chocolate and limes with coconut-rum sauce and poppy seed honey ice-cream